The Fifth Book of King’s

This is not the last, but the latest known to be extant.

This is a highly inside-joke satire. Noöne outside of my classmates at the time I wrote it is in a position to otherwise understand it, due to it being basically an enormous in-joke. It is included here mainly because it is the origin of my screen name. I had written myself into the narrative by obfuscating a username I was using at the time. It is not scripture.


Chapter 1

The Tiger wages war against the Bear. The Bear and Kitten are victorious. An army of Lemmings slay the Bear, and are in turn slain.

01 And the Bear waxed strong, and the Tiger was wrath and waged war with the Bear for many years.

02 And only relented when resisted by the Kitten.

03 For the Kitten was mighty, and deadly fire was its breath.

04 And the wrath of the fallen Tiger was kindled against the Bear and the Kitten, and its blood cried up from the ground against them, that they would be slain.

05 And it was in the commencement of the seventh year of the reign of the Belimici, and lo, the armies of the Lemmings were within the borders of the land.

06 And it came to pass that the Bear was slain, and was devoured by the wild beasts that roamed the land.

07 And the Kitten alone lived to tell the tale.

08 For the Lemmings so disregarded the Kitten that he was spared.

09 And Christopher Robin, on hearing of this, gave great lamentation to the loss of Tigger and Pooh.

10 And waged war against the armies of the Lemmings, and was victorious.

11 And so ended the seventh year of the reign of the Belimici, and there was peace again in the land.

Chapter 2

The Kitten waxes in pride and is conquered by the Lemmings. The King of the Lemmings sees Poppaea washing herself and is slain by Zombie Grumio.

01 And the Kitten waxed strong in the wisdom of the land, and began to wear costly apparal, and adorn his palace with precious gems.

02 And then he was ripe for destruction, and the King of the Lemmings gathered another army, and destroyed the Palace of the Kitten, and it was called his Insurgency.

03 And so the Lemmings were rendered conqueror, and their King the overlord.

04 For he came against the armies of the Great Belimicus, and destroyed them, and the Great Belimicus was slain, for it was he who was responsible for the smiting of the Bear.

05 And it came to pass that the King of the Lemmings came upon the roof of his palace, and he saw a woman washing herself, and her name was Poppaea.

06 And it came to pass that Grumio, having heard of this, came upon the King of the Lemmings, and smote him with the edge of his sword, that he was slain.

07 And it came to pass that Grumio was granted the throne, and he accepted, and so became the ruler of the entire kingdom of the Lemmings.

10 And Grumio reigned but one month before he recalled he had already perished, and left this world shamefully and in great haste.

Chapter 3

The Lemminite Empire, left without a ruler, is overthrown without bloodshed by Rockwer, Raveq and Hariit. They are liberal and benevolent, but the Empire divides over window standards. Galatea is slain by Poppaea.

01 And it came to pass that there came three wise men from the east, and their names were Rockwer, Raveq and Hariit.

[Note: Hariit is an obfuscation of a username I had at the time, and was changed to Harjit in later edits so as to sound less like Harriet (which I do also use occasionally); these three names were primarily a transparent obfuscation of usernames of myself and friends. While a similar air to Melchior/Gaspar/Balthazar may have been desirable, they are otherwise intended as nonsense and not intended to represent us as being as from any particular region, e.g. that Harjit is indeed used as a name in Punjab was not known to me at the time.]

02 And they entered the palace and seized the throne, and were met without resistance.

03 And they were waxed strong in humility and in the Lord, and lead with benevolence and justice.

04 Yet it came to pass, that in the second year of their reign there rose a division among the people.

05 For Rockwer and Raveq had decreed that there should be consistently seventy windowpanes upon each home, in whatever arrangement as the inhabitant wished, while Hariit had disagreed and counter-decreed fifty one.

06 So the kingdom was so divided, and whilst maintaining a strong alliance they were no longer one.

07 And Poppaea, upon hearing of this division, had much gladness, for in the absence of Grumio she was drawn to Hariit.

08 And was drawn to be the sole Queen,

09 And thus she was drawn to the Palace, but was stopped by the way by one woman, and her name was Galetea.

10 And Poppaea drew her sword, and slew Galatea.

11 And Aristo, upon hearing this, rejoiced.

Chapter 4